Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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