Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize