Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
