Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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