P.S. I can't hear my feet
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
