I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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