if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
