My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
