GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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