You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
