Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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