He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
