I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
