Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
a search helicopter?!
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
