Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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