you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
