Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
