Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
