These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
