What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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