i'm signing you up for texting rehab
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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