Moan for me like Helen Keller
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
