She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
