Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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