Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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