So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
