i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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