Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
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I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
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I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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