Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
