i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
