I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
