you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
