I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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