I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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