I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
