I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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