ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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