Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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