Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
