I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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