Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
