Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
