I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
