the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
