actually, I'm a sock model
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
