I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
