So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
