So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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