they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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