ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
