Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the raccoons are back...
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