she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
