Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
