someone threw a dead crab at me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
