i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
