this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
