You're my little dorito
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
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I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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