There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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