just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
