Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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